Embrace the In Between
Figuring out how to be ok with not knowing what's next.
It’s been around two months now since my son moved to his dad’s. You can read more about it here, but the jist is this: profound and complex needs 17yr old + major challenging behaviour = burnt out and disabled mum without support. The camel’s back finally broke, and it was only a matter of time really.
Things are settling now for all of us. The hardest bits are over, mostly, and I’m now looking forward. Erm… not sure what to. Recovery from burnout really messes with your head though. I know, I know… recovery means resting, and recovering. I’m taking care of myself and such, but I’m also looking to the future and absolutely clueless on what to do next.
I’ve been spending some time working on my CV, realising that I have barely anything to put on there, and also wondering what on earth I’m gonna do as a career for the next 20+ years!
But the thing is, I don’t need to figure that out right now.
Right now, the best thing to do is embrace this in between.
“Stay in recovery until you’re absolutely bored out of your mind”, as my mum put it. Well… that might take a while - I’m rarely bored as my adhd brain likes to flit between hyperfocuses (hyperfoci?) like a butterfly on a beautiful big buddleia bush (plant? tree?)… there are ENDLESS interests and curiosities to explore!
So I explore… I follow my curiosity. This week it lead me to trying out Fortnite. I kid you not. Did you know there are music rhythm games and racing games on there? I did not. Never played anything like it in my life, and never really wanted to, but the dopamine gods spoke, and I must listen. Turns out it’s actually kinda fun! And hitting those dopamine receptors up perfectly.
Will it last? Who knows!
I’m still painting and starting to get to grips with watercolours which are so dreamy and relaxing to use, still going out for drives with the oldest - singing our hearts out and stopping to take pictures of places that take our breath away, and enjoying being able to do that without any sort of hypervigilance or clock-watching. It’s been awesome to spend time with her properly again. Lets be honest, it’s been a LONG time coming.
I’ve been trying to get the house back into some semblance of workable. It’s not been priority for a long time sadly, as I only had so much time and energy to use, and it was all going on my caring role. It’s getting there. I’m remembering what it feels like to have an actual cleaning routine again instead of haphazardly doing things when I have a minute.
The kitchen has had a cupboard clear out, and I’m starting to have the energy and the *want* to cook things for myself again. It was too many spoons to make more than one set of things, so I stopped making things just for me. Stir fry, curries, and buddha bowls are on the menu now and I’m loving it!
It sounds daft really, doesn’t it? Finding joy in the little things that most people take for granted. But the thing is, they’re big things for me. These silly things like playing fortnite, or actually cooking something simple but tasty just for me, singing my heart out in the car… they’re things that weren’t possible for so long.
I think that’s what really helps to embrace the in-between. Noticing the little things that you can do again, that you couldn’t before. Even if it’s as simple as watching Criminal Minds whenever you fancy as there’s no reason to have to think about what might not be appropriate for other eyes to watch. Or no more tip-toeing to the loo at night, and literally cringing when flushing, hoping to god it doesn’t mean that’s you up for the day from a certain someone waking from the sound and thinking it’s morning.
Obviously these are specific af for me, but you get the drift, right?
Have you ever struggled with recovery time from burnout or something similar? What did you notice you were able to do during that time that you couldn’t normally? Let me know, I’d love to see if I could add it to my own list!