In recovery from burnout

while figuring out the next era of my life

Great start I’m off to, back with this blogging stuff, writing one post and then radio silence for hmm, two weeks now? Yeah, that’s probably gonna be the standard.

I’ve been grappling with sorting out a lot of life admin lately - why weren’t we told being adults required so many bloody forms to fill in?? I didn’t sign up for that! If it’s not forms, it’s calls to make and appointments to attend until my fibro reminds me that just because we have lots to do, doesn’t mean I’m allowed to forget to pace myself. Ask me how I know…

I’ve been feeling pretty unmoored with this unexpected half-empty nest thing. It’s quite disconcerting to be honest. I’ve been a mum for 20 years now, a single mum for 16 of them, and a carer for probably about 14. What do I do, when I’m not a carer anymore? How do you recover from burnout? WHAT DO YOU DO while recovering?

I know, I know, I’m lucky that I’m able to have the time to recover, but quite frankly with how the last year or so has gone, it’s become a NEED, not a want. If it was “just” the latter, I wouldn’t have ended up having to make that heart-shattering decision for my son to move away. So if you wanna be judgey, just stop right there, cause your ignorance showing.

Anyway, back to ME, since that’s what this is about anyway… what the hell do I do with this time? I’m not able to go out walking for long, or go out loads, so I’m trying to figure out how to have that excited to get out of bed feeling, without it hurting my (very tight) purse strings, or set off a pain flare.

I’ve been painting, or at least, mark making, with watercolours recently, getting back into my wee zone of chill while I pretend I can paint florals, or drawing lil doodles and zentangles, and I’ve been enjoying the ability to truly focus on whatever it is I’m doing. Gaming has been fun, and again it’s made me realise just how much energy I was using in being hypervigilant at all times due to the caring role. I can now genuinely give my *full* attention to things.

I’ve been starting to reconnect with my spirituality, and how that comes up for me. Tarot, oracle, journaling, talking to like-minded souls and a handful of interests that centre around personal development and growth. I’ve always had a huge interest in psychology, which is why I studied it at uni (till I dropped out to have my oldest!), so I find the way it all works together fascinating.

Really though, as much as I’ve been following my curiosity, and remembering to pace myself accordingly, I find I have many days that just feel *flat*, you know? I mean, yes, we all have these days, but although I knew how much my life was taken over by my caring role and coping with everything during major burnout, I don’t think I could quite comprehend just how much it was affecting me. Maybe that’s been a saving grace, to be honest!

Now that I’m a wee while into it, I am gob-smacked at how much more slowly time goes by when you’re not constantly caring or advocating for a disabled loved one.

And that’s where we’re at for now. Sure in the decision that was made, and starting to adjust to this new normal. Trying to find things to do with my time, and moving slowly forward with as much kindness and curiosity as I can.